I faked an abortion last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
