im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
