I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
