Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
