just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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