so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
