My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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