i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
