Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
