She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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