my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
