She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
