Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
