Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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