I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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