My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
