her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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