Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
