He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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