gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
