remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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