there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
