farters have to be the big spoon...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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