I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
