as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
