There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
