I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
