Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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