I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
