Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
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i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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