In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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