In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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