you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
