Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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