so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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