ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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