The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
