I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
