I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
