is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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