i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
