I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
