Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
