How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize