if i can run in heels then i can drive
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
