textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
