quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
