I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
