whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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