the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
