my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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