1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
