Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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