I skipped work to stalk him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
