So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This is classic penis vs brain.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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