yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize