Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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