Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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