Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
